I remember the impressions of our first international move. In the span of 24 hours, we went from sunny, clean, efficient, predictable Minnesota, USA to the wonderful zaniness that is Beijing, China. Talk about contrasts! Walking through the old Beijing airport felt like we had passed through a wormhole transporting us to a bygone era. What began as a two-year overseas experience has grown into 21. Living in China, Saudi Arabia, and Singapore has afforded us wonderful life-enriching experiences that have forever changed us.

Your current residence is just one of several that you and your family have lived in. Regardless, there are various stages that both children and parents experience when transitioning into a new culture, school, or country. Understanding these stages can reassure parents that what they and their children are experiencing is typical.

Stage 1: Settled
This describes your status prior to your move. For children, this means they attend a school, have a predictable routine, have peer groups established, and are engaged in the community. Generally, they’re responsive and responsible. Adults, too, have established patterns: their commute to work, the stores where they purchase goods, and their favorite coffee shop. In short, life is predictable.

Stage 2: Leaving
At some point, a decision is made to move. This may have come with several months’ prior notice or within the last few weeks. Leaving is a time of saying goodbye and disengaging. Kids and adults experience a range of emotional responses during this time, including excitement, joy, anticipation, anxiety, denial, anger, resentment, bargaining, sadness, and loss.

Stage 3: Honeymoon
Upon arriving in an unfamiliar cultural context, the common tendency is to look for what is familiar and establish a routine. This is also a time when others extend themselves, welcoming new families. Kids feel pretty good and generally function at a high level. The honeymoon stage typically lasts 10 minutes to 2 months.

Stage 4: Disorientation
For many, the more they interact with the host culture, the more they become disoriented and melancholy. The primary reasons are losing social support systems (friends, family, community) and lack of predictability. People may experience a range of emotional responses: mourning the loss of friends, feeling isolated, exaggerating problems and behaviors, feeling tired and grumpy, judging the host culture negatively, and refusing to connect. It’s common for kids to want to stay tethered to friends in their previous homes and not make new friends. Holding up in their bedroom, they may spend significant time communicating with their old friends online. They may also struggle academically during the first quarter or semester of school. During this stage, parents encounter the most difficulties related to the move. A particular holiday, time of year, birthday, or other significant event can trigger strong emotional responses. This period usually lasts from one to six months and sometimes can flare up anew when parents return home for that first long holiday break.

Stage 5: Recovery and Adjustment
As kids interact with their new culture, they begin to incorporate their understanding of themselves, school, friends, etc., and feel at home. Their level of pre-move functioning typically returns to normal, sometimes even higher-than-normal levels, because of all they have learned about themselves and the world. The benefits of this include increased social maturity, a broader worldview, less prejudice, and greater cultural and religious tolerance.

An important point to note regarding these five stages, one that may further complicate the transition process, is that each of your family members will go through them at different times. There may even be periods when kids vacillate between them. What’s important to keep in mind is that what they are experiencing is, by and large, normal and part of the transition process.