This feature was first published in Journeys Summer 2019.

This article was written by high school personal academic counselor and psychologist Dr. Jeff Devens.

Perfectionism is sometimes viewed as a positive personality trait which increases a person's likelihood of success; however, perfectionism, when accompanied by self-defeating cognitive distortions and corresponding maladaptive behaviors, actually makes it more difficult to achieve goals. This sort of perfectionism, termed Maladaptive Perfectionism, is often attributed to mental health issues. At its root, perfectionism is about perfecting an imperfect self. Teens exhibiting perfectionism feel constant pressure to meet unrealistic standards they or others have set for them, often procrastinating because these standards are too difficult to achieve.

Further, they don't see constructive feedback and the making of mistakes as part of the learning process. Instead, they internalize feedback and errors as confirmation of their worthlessness and spend inordinate amounts of time doing, redoing, planning, but not completing tasks. When too much pressure builds, usually due to a lack of sleep, they implode or explode.

Maladaptive perfectionists remind me of the Greek story of Sisyphus. Zeus punished Sisyphus for his craftiness and deceit by making him roll a boulder up the side of a hill which continually rolled to the bottom before reaching the top. Always working, always toiling, never achieving. Does this describe your child?

Andrew Hill of New York University notes, “There has been some suggestion that, in some cases, perfectionism might be healthy and desirable. Based upon the 60-odd studies that we’ve done, that’s a misunderstanding. Working hard, being committed, diligent, and so on—these are all desirable features. But for maladaptive perfectionists, those are really a symptom, or a side product, of what perfectionism is. Perfectionism isn’t about high standards. It’s about unrealistic standards.”

As one perfectionist teen noted, being average is worse than death. When confronted with failure, they experience guilt (i.e., I should be better) and shame (i.e., I’ll never be good enough). In order to combat these feelings, they often create even higher expectations, and as a result, being perfect becomes a vicious, futile cycle. Why is this happening?

My response to this question is framed in the context of my service to this community for the past 18 years. Some students and parents attending Singapore American School are driven by destructive perfectionism in the form of grades and ultimately college placement, seemingly at any cost. Despite repeated administrative and counseling pleas, these parents and students persist with the notion, University is Destiny. Falling for this fallacy, they compete for top grades and take many accelerated courses believing this is the path, and the only path, to future success. Dr. Daniel Gleason, psychiatrist and author, notes, "this maladaptive perfectionism is a primary root cause of anxiety and stress among teens."

For some of our families, there are cultural aspects associated with academic success. Getting into a "good" university is the benchmark by which their parenting is measured, sort of like a final parental exam. Perfectionist parents push, pull, taunt, threaten, and use fear and shame-based parental tactics in an effort to "help" their child achieve. These are difficult words to write; however, they are written with concern and compassion. We must continue having conversations with the parent-student body, sometimes difficult conversations, regarding who we are as a school community and how we measure student success.

Researcher, Kim Jones notes, "historically the goals of education have been: to prepare children for citizenship, to cultivate a skilled workforce, to teach cultural literacy, to help students become critical thinkers, to help students compete in a global marketplace, and to prepare students for college."

At SAS we too strive for these goals, all the while recognizing we are cultivating young hearts and minds. At the core of who we are, or desire to be, is a relational community. For it is in the context of relationships that kids and adults find reality, passion, and purpose, and thrive. If your child is struggling with perfectionism I have a few suggestions.

1. FRAME REALITY IN TRUTH, WITH LOVE.
You are not perfect and neither is anyone else, including your teen. A primary way teens come to understand this is as a result of failure...often lots of failure in a myriad of areas (i.e., academic, social, athletic, artistic, relational, etc.). When perfectionists let go of the idea of being perfect this often unleashes a torrent of emotions.

Each year around October counselors begin to see a steady stream of students struggling with destructive perfectionism. Why? They've earned their first "B." Prior to this, they earned all "A" grades. With the prospect of a "B" on their report card, they often view ALL previous academic efforts as worthless. With perceived college hopes dashed they spiral emotionally. The challenge for parents, teachers, and counselors is lovingly walking with teens through the pain, hurt, and REALITY of earning a "B" and helping them recognize their worth isn't the byproduct of grades...or university placement.

2. FOCUS ON PERSONAL EFFORTS, NOT OTHERS' SUCCESSES.
Perfectionists tend to idolize unrealistic standards, making these the benchmarks of success. A primary way they do this is by comparing their progress with their peers' progress.

Instead, help kids focus on their progress and performance relative to where they were a week, three weeks, a month, or five months ago. In many cases, it's helpful to write out progress along the way. Looking back on previous accomplishments, when not in the moment of an emotional meltdown, can be a healthy, self- reflective exercise. Learning and improving oneself is a process. Emphasize the importance of individual learning, not comparing. There is
no "win" with this kind of comparison.

3. LEARN TO EMBRACE MISTAKES AS PART OF THE LEARNING PROCESS.
Overcoming perfectionism means working without stressing over mistakes. Perfectionists sometimes need personal space to make mistakes and simply get started with the process. A large part of the work we do in school involves practice, rehearsal, and learning by degrees of approximation. Getting started is often a difficult task for perfectionists. This can be helped by establishing cut-off times for the use of technology. This effectively creates a boundary and lovingly forces them to engage in the learning process.

4. ADDRESS THE “FOUR HORSEMEN” OF DESTRUCTIVE PERFECTIONISM.
Many kids believe if they were only smarter they would achieve at higher levels; however, learning, and ultimately doing "well" is more a byproduct of executive functioning skills than intelligence.

What kids fail to realize is that in order to achieve at higher levels they have to learn the discipline of four fundamental skills: organization, time management, task initiation, and emotional regulation. These skills must be taught. I had a conversation with an eleventh grade student at the start of the year who asked about ways to improve their study skills. We unpacked these four areas and found several gaps that were hindering his ability to perform well.

The good news is he wanted to work on these skills and was open to constructive feedback. Perfectionists don't tend to seek out help, believing to do so is to acknowledge they are not "smart." If your child is struggling in one of these areas, address it. They may need your ongoing help, even in eleventh grade!

5. CHALLENGE EXTREME THOUGHTS.
How we think is how we respond. Thoughts left unchecked become actions or emotions justified. Perfectionists think in extremes. Words like everyone, all the time, always, never, and can't become cognitive traps and self-fulfilling prophecies. When this happens, kids need help redirecting their thinking.

Get the focus off the general and broad and onto the specifics. What are the tasks to be done? What are the steps? What is the plan? What is the evidence? Extreme language is used as a means of abdicating responsibility for outcomes or because kids lack the skills to self-advocate...or both.