By: Lauren Mehrbach (Middle School Principal) and Chris Beingessner (Middle School Deputy Principal)
Singapore American School

Making mistakes is a part of life, and though undesirable, mistakes actually help us learn and grow. As parents and educators, our aim is to "grow adults" who can navigate life's ups and downs and manage the discomfort of mistakes. In order to do this, we need to allow our students to make mistakes and experience failure in a safe environment, with us coaching them. If we don't allow them to live with natural consequences and experience adversity or discomfort when they are young, they will not have the skills needed to deal with these situations when they are older. Some researchers talk about it as "building tolerance for discomfort, an emotional callous if you will." (Abraham and Cordner) We experience discomfort all the time as adults - delayed flights, rejection by a partner, being passed over for a promotion. We've all read numerous tales of university freshmen who crumble when they have their first setback with no parent there to intervene on their behalf.

In order to help your child start building that tolerance for discomfort and failure, here are 10 mistakes that you should allow your middle schooler to make. These will help them build resiliency, gain confidence in their capability, and learn that they can survive even those "big mistakes."


1. Let them get a bad grade. Most kids don't like how this feels. As parents, if we force them to study, check their work, and over-edit their writing, we aren't letting them see what they can do on their own. Inevitably, they will come up against an academic situation where their regular study and learning strategies don't lead to an excellent grade. If we interfere too much, they won't know how to manage when they don't do well.
    
2. Let them forget their musical instrument, PE uniform, homework. When we bail our children out when they forget something, they aren't incentivized to set up systems to ensure they have everything they need for school. What we are inadvertently teaching them is that they can't manage without a parent "saving them."
    
3. Let them run out of money on their lunch card. Teaching our children financial literacy starts with being aware of the cost of items, having a budget, and managing the money one has to spend. Students are often unaware of the cost of items in the cafeteria, let alone the amount of money left on their card. Give your child a budget for lunches, and make them stick to it. They can always pack a lunch from home (not you pack it!) if they run out of money or decide to buy their friends some frozen yogurt.
    
4. Let them be late and miss the bus. No one is going to wake up your child for school when they are at university. Middle schoolers should be able to get themselves out of bed each day. Don't prod them or have someone else wake them. Set the expectations and watch them figure it out. Make sure that they have to pay for a taxi out of their pocket money, or do a series of tasks to pay you back if they do miss the bus!

    
5. Let them use public transit and get lost or feel the pride of accomplishment when they don't! Take advantage of our efficient and safe MRT and bus system in Singapore, and let them venture out. If they get lost, they will learn how to get back home and be better equipped next time. And if they don't get lost, they will have a great feeling of satisfaction. Scaffold this as you need to - ride with them the first time they are getting themselves to the cinema or violin lessons, or let them use the MRT only with a buddy.
    
6. Let them miss an important deadline. Don't remind them over and over to do something that matters to them. Let your child miss auditions for the school play or forget to turn in a paper -- and live with the natural consequences. We've all been angry with ourselves when we missed a deadline and that feeling helped motivate us to develop systems to keep it from continuing to happen. Make sure your kid has that same opportunity.
    
7. Let them wear smelly clothes that they didn't launder or that missed the laundry basket. We want our children to be self-sufficient when they leave home. Chances are, they'll need to do their own laundry once they head to university. You'd be amazed how many third culture kids don't know how to use a washing machine. Help them develop these habits when they're still at home; it will make them a better roommate and partner in the future.
    
8. Let them be ashamed of themselves for doing something that was unkind or untruthful. We often rush to console our children when they are feeling badly, but those bad feelings are our conscience speaking, and we want our children to listen to their conscience. Acknowledge your child's feelings, but don't let them off the hook for what they did. Help them reflect on how their actions lead to the negative feelings and plan for how they might avoid doing the same in the future.
    
9. Let them leave unfinished homework because they didn't manage their internet time. All SAS middle school students set home use agreements before they brought their laptops home. Take some time to revisit the agreements, and enforce them. By limiting the time students have access to the internet, they will have to prioritize their homework over more social endeavors. When they don't, let them have the uncomfortable conversation with their teacher about why they aren't prepared for class. If you hover and ensure they finish, they won't live that natural consequence.
    
10. Let them set a goal for themselves and don't intervene if they aren't going to achieve it. If your child has a personal goal they really want to meet (making a sports team or academic club, or achieving a certain grade in a class) and you see that they aren't taking the steps needed to meet it, let them fail. Be there to console them when they don't meet their goal, and help them think through a plan for next time, but don't bail them out.


How can you guide your child through setbacks and mistakes without solving their troubles for them? Help them figure out how their actions contributed to the problem. What part did you play in this? What did you do or not do that led to this situation? Help them plan for a similar situation in the future. If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently? If a similar situation arises, what are some steps you'd follow to avoid this outcome? Help them articulate exactly what they learned from the mistake. What did you learn from being called on and not having any responses prepared? What did you learn about posting things online without thinking?


This is a big list, and definitely challenging for many of us as parents. Some of our kids make many of these mistakes all the time! Maybe start small, choose a few that you think will help your child most? Or set some boundaries like, "You get one free pass per semester when I bring you something you forgot. Only one, so use it wisely." Parenting is tough, and middle schoolers can seem like a mystery. Good luck and don't hesitate to contact your child's counselor or teacher for help!


Some great blogs and articles about parenting teens:

• Negotiating with Kids: When You Should and Shouldn't
• 10 Ways to Motivate Your Child to Do Better in School
• What Parents Should Know: Adolescents Are Like Toddlers
• Helping Middle Schoolers Navigate Their Social Lives
• Social Challenges of Middle School


Sources: Kim Abraham, Marney Studaker-Cordner and the contributors at Empowering Parents.

Click here for more information on middle school at SAS or set up a campus tour with one of our friendly admissions officers!